Wednesday, August 13, 2008


I must apologize in advance for the quality of this post. No reason, really, just felt like apologizing. There's nothing actually wrong with the post. I swear. Don't you believe me? WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?!?!?!

It came to my attention today that I have, through my apparently grandiloquent, and loquacious use of perfectly cromulent words, somehow obsfucated my profundity to certain personages. I feel I must apologize for this, but alas, I will not. Damn, thesauri rock:P

I'm so silly. That, or my mind has finally slipped the bounds of reality due to my ever worsening insomnia. Three and one half hours sleep last night. Woo. But seriously people. Sleep deprivation is purple jega trees floating on the quicksilver ocean.

(This is what you get when you image search for purple jega trees. It comes from, and thankfully, turning "strict safesearch" on makes it go away. I love the internets)

Enough of that, and onto the crackpottery. Where you, my loyal, and non-existent, readers get not one but two crackpot ideas for the price of just one post.

Disclaimer: if you steal these ideas and somehow make them work commercially. I will give you a hug:)

(oh, don't be that way. It's funny, in a really horrible kinda way. besides, you should see the way I run. Huh, guess there was a reason to apologize for this post after all. Sorry for shouting at you earlier. But really, compared to purple boi, this kid looks normal. Maybe I should be apologizing for the first picture.)

First off, Zeppelins. I know there are other crackpots out there working the zeppelin angle, these people have it wrong though. They're trying to sell it as a luxury for the rich, or even as an alternative to the airplane. This is beyond foolish. The airline industry is far too entrenched to be routed by something as crazy as a zeppelin(now, trains. That's the airline killer), and the rich have better things to spend their money on. You really want to sell this shit? Target the poor. Poor people are stupid and they'll buy anything, they'd be rich if they weren't & didn't. Zeppelins shouldn't replace the airplane, they should replace the car. Gasoline is hovering somewhere around $2,000 a tank(damned inflation), and anyone with half a brain should be living within walking or cycling distance of work & shopping. This leaves the car only useful for mid range travel, and penile substitues(and really, if you had a small penis. What would you rather drive around? Some over-priced gas guzzler, or a giant phloating phallus?).

(Stolen shamelessly from Nick Scipio's WTF friday, who he stole it from is his business)

So, price these suckers at about $20,000 for a four seater. That includes the docking pole with motorized lift. People are lazy after all, and a fifty foot long cigar isn't likely to fit in your garage. And utility hookups. Yes, utility hookups. You don't want this thing to just sit there when you're not using it, hell no. Put it to use, install lightweight solar panels on the top so it can make it's own hydrogen when it's not helping to power your home. I'd also like the propellors to reverse into wind turbines while not in use. Now, I sure as hell don't trust you idiots to drive one of these. So, everything will be computer controlled. Too complicated, you say? Not really. Every Mini-Zep(I must be tired, I'm already starting to think up bad marketing names)will network with each other. Think of it as cloud computing in the clouds(sorry, had to get that one out). More air ships equal a more complicated flight path, but they also equal more computing power to handle the situation.

(just some pretty clouds)
(What? You expect some clever tagline everytime?)

The idea of cloud computing touches on my second crackpot idea. Somehow, we've fooled the masses into buying our micro-hindenburgs(not as catchy as mini-zeps, but I like it), and everyone has a thirty foot tall mast sticking up in their backyard. Sure, the kids are using them to jump into the pool, and onto the trampoline, but what real use do they have? Plenty.

I so want to just leave it at that and go pass out, this post is already ten times longer than I planned, and I am so damned tired.

What are tall towers usually used for? Radio signals. Imagine a hundred million wireless towers talking to each other and any device you want to connect with. Yes any device. Telephone, television, internet, anything. Use the entire radio spectrum by freeing it of any governmental interference. Install intelligent software defined radio routers with a few terabytes of storage on each tower. Set up a brand new internet based on a freenet like de-centralized distributed data share. The internet is now free for everyone, and useless dinosaurs like the cable and telephone industries are returned to the tar pits they spawned from.

Crazy, I know. That's why it's called crackpottery.

I am so fucking tired right now. βeta, out.

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