Saturday, September 27, 2008

Friday was a pretty momentous day

I finally bit the bullet, and bought a bike. I've been riding an exercise bike for a bit over a month to get back into shape. Not there yet, but I can manage a couple hours with no problem. So, I decided to get the real thing. I was starting to get bored staring at the same thing all the time.

(Here it is right after I got it home)

(Complete with it's first scratch courtesy of Dad's stupid paint rig)

It's a Raleigh Venture 3.0, a 21 speed comfort style bike. This thing is huge too, I'm 6'3" and the handle bars come up to my chest; a 22 inch frame on 26 inch tires. I got it for just over $300 at IE Bikes in Murrieta, the whole family had gone out to check on my sister in law. She was in the hospital after having a parasite removed(more on that later).

(Decked out with all the accessories)

I had planned to check out the Cannondale Comfort at Redhawk bikes in Temecula, but Erin, my sister in law, mentioned IE Bikes. They were just a couple blocks from the hospital. So, I figured what the hell, and went to have a look. Lucked out too, first bike I tried fit perfect and was a couple hundred cheaper than what I was looking at.

I spent the money I saved on some stuff to trick out my ride :p I would have gotten most of this stuff eventually, but it's nice to have it all now. I got a pump, water bottle & rack, head & tail lights, patch kit, multi tool, tire guage, spare inner tube, dorky looking helmet(I care more about my brains than I do fashion & so should you. In fact, everyone should care about my brains), and an under seat bag to hold everything that doesn't bolt to the bike, or strap to my head.

(Here it is crossing my exercise bike. Hard to see the scale from these pics, but trust me it's ginormous)

Onto Erin's parasite. She had been dealing with this thing for about nine months now. Apparently she contracted it doing something shady with my brother, I really don't want to know exactly what. He came out of it fine, but she had this thing growing in her belly. The little bugger was 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 19.5 inches long when they cut it out of her. She(the doctors were some how able to determine it's gender)came out of the surgery fine, The doctors gave it a bunch of tests, some shots, even took prints of it's lower apendages. Erin seems to have lost it. She's decided to keep the parasite, and has even named it Elizabeth. I know these past nine months have been tough on her, but this is just crazy.

(Erin can been seen exposing her breast to the creature in some bizarre ritual designed to appease the beast)

No one else seems to find her behaviour odd. Everyone's doting over it, wanting to hold it, cooing at it in strange voices. I think it has some strange hold over their minds. My brother, Gary, in particular seems enamored with the parasite.

(He can be seen here, holding the parasite hours after it's extraction. I think it's trying to eat his finger.)

All kidding aside. Happy birthday Elizabeth Snow.

I'm gonna call her Snow White. Now they just have to have another one called Rosalie. Then we can have Snow White & Rose Red(read Fables, it's a great comic book).

I'm an uncle, again. βeta, out.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I want to have magnets implanted in my finger tips.

(a 1/16th of an inch rare earth magnet wrapped in gold and coated with silicon. Image pulled from a German site that sell body mod supplies. Hope they don't mind)

Not all my finger tips, just the Pinkie, Ring, & Middle Fingers on each hand. I use my Fore Finger and Thumb too much for me to feel safe having implants there. I had read articles about magnetic vision before, but the idea was new and had a lot of failures. Those problems were mainly due to a weak coating of bio-compatible silicon. The new implants use a "harder" type of silicon along with a better coating practice.

(three 5/16" rare earth magnetic spheres in the palm of my hand. That's a black plastic coating you're seeing, not shiny space metal. If you look close you can see how the plastic has been worn away from the poles. I end up with black powder on my hands every time I play with these.)

So, I was stumbling along last night, and came across an article on BMEZine(no link because of the ick factor)that mentioned the new implants. I hadn't heard about these before, so I went searching for more info. There's not much. Most of it's on BME, and none of it newer than last year. Still, it peaked my interest, and I gobbled up every word I could find. I even went so far as to glance over some of the icky surgery photos(most of the pioneers are robust body modders, while I'm coming at this more from a squeamish transhuman viewpoint). One article estimated only about 100 implantees world wide. This was last year, but I doubt it's grown much.

I don't know why. This is the coolest thing ever invented. These people have given themselves an entirely new sensory apparatus. They are literally SuperHuman. I blame the Wired article for painting a bad picture to the average neophyte who might have been interested in this. All the guys with horns, scars, peircings, & tattoos probably didn't help much either. That and really, who's going to let some guy with horns, scars, peircings, & tattoos cut open their finger. Even if it is just for something just a little wider than a nickel is thick. Pull out a tape measure and look at just how small 1/16th of an inch really is. I'm sure most of us have nicked ourselves worse while making dinner. I sure have. Hell, my brother lost the entire tip of his finger when he was a kid(my fault that. Sorry Bro). There was no bone damage so it grew right back, you can't even tell anything ever happened.

(No, I am not going goth, or emo. I'm just wearing my favorite toy, in bracelet form, while giving myself a taste of what it's like to be super human.)

I also realized that most people aren't going to have surgery if they don't know what they're missing. The solution didn't come to me until earlier today while playing with my favorite toy. I've got hundreds of these little magnetic spheres, an impulse buy from a few months ago that was so worth it. So, there I was(ditching work to stay at home and play with myself), wishing I could feel the magnetic forces all around me(yes, this is how I normally think). When it came to me. If implanting tiny magnets works so well, then maybe taping some larger ones to my fingers might give at least a basic idea of what it's like. Damned if it didn't work like a charm.

(First Person Feeler: The Groping)

I was able to feel anything with a motor from inches away, and the microwave from almost a foot back. I'm sure the strength of the magnets (and the cheap ass shielding on my microwave) had something to do with how far I could sense, but this should work for anything stronger than a fridge magnet. Especially near a microwave.

(The scissors are just a demonstration. Each of these magnets is more than strong enough to pick up a hammer)

You have to try this at home. Trust me you'll be clamoring for the implants just like I am. Hell, I'm gonna try to get my doctor to do it. He'll probably want it done himself after I give him the demonstration. I'd like to have Steve Haworth do it but he's in Arizona and the only painkiller he has to offer is a glass of ice water.

Iron Man, Iron Man. He can do whatever an iron can. βeta, out.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Just a quick update.

The idiots are still here. Who knows if anyone else will be come tomorrow.

Everyone else was in a meeting when I left. I didn't have to go because I'm the golden boy, employee of the Fucking Month.

Big Fucking Deal. You want to be employee of the month? Do nothing but smile and nod. Smile & Nod. Everybody will think you're such a great guy while you walk around with a dopey grin imagining all the horrible things that could happen to them.

I guess the idiots - as they will be referred to when I must speak of them collectively. I much prefer calling them "The Incompetent One" & "The NutJob", but it's a pain to type that out every time. - are now trying to blame everything on Tammy. She's done nothing wrong though. The only reason they're going after her is because she wont back down when the incompetent one starts picking a fight(which she always loses because she's a fucking moron). Not that that stops her from running off to her nut job husband in tears complaining about how everyone's so mean to her.

Oh, get this. They've been going around to the residents asking them what they hate most about everyone in the office. They should never have been hired here. I'm starting to think they were only put here to drive the rest of us away. Here's a tip to employers out there. If you don't care about your employees, they won't care about the job.

I am so glad I don't give a shit about this job anymore, now I can start having some fun. First up, a little revenge on a certain "creep". I'm gonna try to milk it until January when the insurance gets renewed. So, I can get some more teeth work done(already used up this years allowance), but after that. I'm outa here. Sooner if I can find something where the benefits kick in fast. I know the economy is shit right now, but all I need is twenty grand a year to live comfortably. That and a decent work environment.

Schadenfrued is your friend. βeta, out.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Ever have a job you love turn to shit?

(70 year olds sending email about their "virgin asshole" makes me a sad panda)

Today at work broke me. Jessica, the incompetent one, and boy does she deserve that title. Well, she fucked up again, big time, and my poor little brain paid the price.

Near as I could tell she was up early, typing out a dirty email. For whatever reason, she wished to print up a copy of this abomination. Forgetting, like the incompetent one she is, that the office printer was set to default. I do not know if she ever got it to print at home, but as soon as her laptop connected to the work network those vile words were put to ink.

I cannot, and will not, reproduce said email here. I wasn't able to get past skimming the first line. Once I reached the word "dildo" my mind broke. Thinking back to it, my mind reels. All that's left is a mental image of her holding a giant dildo, caressing it, cooing over it like a baby.

My gorge should rise, but I feel drowned under a wave of ennui. I think I'm in shock.

I stayed out of my office all that day. I couldn't stand to be alone with her husband. Passing her on the street, I had to fight the urge to run screaming as she tried to exchange pleasantries. I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow.

Tonight I will drink. Beer can heal many a wound, and tequila may kill what beer cannot heal. If neither works... I open the absinthe.

(May the green fairy take me into her soothing embrace)

Boss lady is coming down Wednesday. If she does not fire them, I give up. I toyed with the idea of quitting, but I really need this paycheck. So instead of quitting, I will simply stop working and wait for her to fire me. I will then sue for wrongful termination, and providing an unsafe work environment.

I plan to show up every morning, secure a small cache of snack foods and diet soda, then sequester myself in a place no one will find me(preferably within range of the wireless router). There, I will spend my days looking at classified ads while working on my resume.

Wish me luck. βeta, out.

P.S. anyone looking to hire a snarky writer? I come cheap. $20,000 a year with full dental and I'm yours.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Looks like my Co-worker is a Con-man

The conspiracy theory nut has a new trick up his sleeves. This jackass, and his incompetent, and very sleepy wife are pretending he had a slip and fall accident on the job.

Hold on, just got a call from service about a disturbance.

Ok, now that that's dealt with. Bunch of fucking teenagers just out of school decided to raise a little hell while killing their brain cells with an aerosol can up the nose. Pansies took off pretty quick once they saw I had a camera pointed at them. Note: if you ever decide to work property management, get yourself a good point and shoot that takes nice videos. I was right in the middle of lunch too.

( God damn, punks:P)

So, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah. The asshole who's trying to fleece my boss. Looks like his wife's not the only one who's incompetent. He seems to have forgotten that there's not one, but two cameras that can see that stairway. I love catching idiots in their own lies. He claims to have slipped and twisted his ankle Tuesday after stepping in his own spilt coffee. His wife has upped the ante by claiming he actually fell, & is now having back pain.

They both took off early today for a "doctors appointment". So, I took advantage of the privacy to check our surveillance cameras. He went up and down those steps twice on tuesday, didn't even stumble. The lying fuck didn't even have a limp until he faked one in order to leave early. I even checked back to Monday, just in case, and he only went up and down once, and was in sight of one of our maintenance guys each time.

I can only hope that this will finally be enough to get these idiots fired.

βeta, out.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Now, I'm really pissed.

Sick as a fucking dog over here. Only going to work because I can't afford to take the week off. Everyone knows this, and that I'm trying to take it easy. So, what happens? I get stuck covering the front desk, while the person that's was hired to do it takes a fucking nap. I can not even think of an epithet strong enough for this woman. She is beyond incompetent. Everyone in the office has tried to teach her what to do. Hell, our boss has even brought our old manager out of retirement for the week to try and knock some sense into her. It's not working. Nothing is.

Our old manager's cool though, and she has kept the new people from starting any fights this week. Yes, fights. The incompetent moron's husband (I think I mentioned before that the new people are married) got up in our managers' face and threatened her. He hasn't spoken to her since, just passing messages on through me. This shit is just ridiculous. The manager has threatened to quit. So, has Tammy, and if they go, I don't see why I should stay. Especially not since I'm the only one who seems to know what the fuck I'm doing.

Fuck this shit, I'ma go watch mythbusters. βeta, out.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Sorry Ma'am, you've got wall bats.

(Not to be confused with head pigeons.)

(this, I suppose you can call him cute, little guy landed outside my office this afternoon)

I took a couple pictures, printed one out to mess with my co-worker. She taped it up next to her desk. After jumping a mile when I threw it at her. She named him Bob. Bob the bat. I think she may have been dropped on her head as a child. Just kidding Tammy. I'm sure it was just the lead paint on your cradle.

(He is kinda cute. If you ignore the leathery wings holding him to the wall.)

He reminds me of Mc Guyver for some reason. I think his hairy body looks just like a mini-flying-mouse-mullet. Of course, I am currently under the influence of benadryl and large club sandwich from Farmer boys. I'm not sure if that latter one has anything to do with it, but it sure was tasty. I had three sides with it too. Fries, onion rings, and a salad. Don't ask.

(Don't hate me because I'm beautiful)

We just left him there. He was kinda high up, and not too many people use that walkway. I think a cat probably climbed up whatever tree he usually make his home and scared him out into the rays of the evil daystar. I'm sure he'll go home after a night of bug eating and spreading rabies.

Alpha, ah, ah, ah. βeta, out, out, out.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Still sick. Still pissed.

Trash and tissues have been taken care of though. Took me a fucking hour to clean up. No it not quite that messy in here. I just couldn't go more than a couple minutes without having to take a break. My lungs have betrayed me, I think they're working for the virus now. I'm serious. I've been rolling around on an office chair for the past hour trying to clean up, but still getting winded even though I'm sitting down. I hate being this weak. I am strong like bull normally. Hell, you can favorably compare me to a bull in most things. Strength, stamina, cock size, hardheadedness, tail, horns. Wait strike those last two, had to have them removed. Fucking christians kept freakin' out, throwing water and little sticks at me. Weirdos. Still got the cloven hooves though. Really save on boots that way.

(It's pretty fucked up that we give these things to our dogs as treats)
(yes, that's dried bull penis and chances are that if you have dogs you've handled one, maybe even tasted it if you're the curious type.)

So, here I am, a Superman basically, until some little fucking bastard too small for me to even see burrows into my head and lungs and sucks out all my strength. A god damned kitten could take me out right now.

(according to Google, this is the cutest kitten ever, and right now it could kick my ass!)

Ah screw it, I'm gonna go take some benadryl, make a sammich, and then try to get the trash can out to the curb without passing out.

βeta, out.

Monday, September 1, 2008

I'm pissed

My first 3-day weekend in months, one I don't even have to work on(see my Fourth of July post), and I spend the whole thing sick as a dog. Fucking allergies went nuts last week, and left me open to this damned head cold. I had a bunch of stuff planned, the least of which is cleaning up this pig sty. I've been too, busy/tired/lazy to clean up in a couple weeks, and it's starting to show. This weekend has only made it worse, I swear every trash can in my house is overflowing with tissues.

I'm just glad I stocked up on tv shows, and movies to watch. Bittorrent rocks. I normally lose myself in a book, or ten, when I'm sick but this cold came with just enough nausea to make reading just a little too interesting. Writing this is starting to get a little too interesting, but I haven't written in a while and want to get some of this out of my head. Just like all this mucus. Just imagine I'm sneazing the words directly into your brain.

So, yeah, I was hoping to finish work on my halloween costume. I went to Micheals' last week and got some cool stuff. Just picking up my toolbox was enough to wipe me out though. So, maybe next weekend. If I'm feeling any better I'm going to skip friday, get my fucking long weekend back.

What the hell else did I want to talk about? Something about Zombies, I think. Eh, fuck it, I'm going to bed. Damn, I was feeling all creative when I started this too.

βeta, out.