Monday, September 22, 2008

Ever have a job you love turn to shit?

(70 year olds sending email about their "virgin asshole" makes me a sad panda)

Today at work broke me. Jessica, the incompetent one, and boy does she deserve that title. Well, she fucked up again, big time, and my poor little brain paid the price.

Near as I could tell she was up early, typing out a dirty email. For whatever reason, she wished to print up a copy of this abomination. Forgetting, like the incompetent one she is, that the office printer was set to default. I do not know if she ever got it to print at home, but as soon as her laptop connected to the work network those vile words were put to ink.

I cannot, and will not, reproduce said email here. I wasn't able to get past skimming the first line. Once I reached the word "dildo" my mind broke. Thinking back to it, my mind reels. All that's left is a mental image of her holding a giant dildo, caressing it, cooing over it like a baby.

My gorge should rise, but I feel drowned under a wave of ennui. I think I'm in shock.

I stayed out of my office all that day. I couldn't stand to be alone with her husband. Passing her on the street, I had to fight the urge to run screaming as she tried to exchange pleasantries. I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow.

Tonight I will drink. Beer can heal many a wound, and tequila may kill what beer cannot heal. If neither works... I open the absinthe.

(May the green fairy take me into her soothing embrace)

Boss lady is coming down Wednesday. If she does not fire them, I give up. I toyed with the idea of quitting, but I really need this paycheck. So instead of quitting, I will simply stop working and wait for her to fire me. I will then sue for wrongful termination, and providing an unsafe work environment.

I plan to show up every morning, secure a small cache of snack foods and diet soda, then sequester myself in a place no one will find me(preferably within range of the wireless router). There, I will spend my days looking at classified ads while working on my resume.

Wish me luck. ╬▓eta, out.

P.S. anyone looking to hire a snarky writer? I come cheap. $20,000 a year with full dental and I'm yours.

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