Nerf!

Yes, Nerf. And yes, I have been drinking but, I only had two beers in me when I decided to turn my innocent little Nerf gun into a deadly weapon. Okay, maybe not deadly but, I have more than doubled the range, and made the darts fast enough to leave a nice red mark if you get hit by one.

(this is my gun. there are many like it but this one is mine)
(actually this one belongs to amazon, I was too lazy to take a picture of mine)

I picked up a Nerf Switch Shot EX-3 (also known as the Nerf Wii gun) at wallyworld a few days ago. This is probably the best gun controller for the wii and the ability to shoot Nerf darts makes it just plain awesome. So, for only fifteen bucks I couldn't pass it up.

First off, this is a kickass little toy. Even without modifications the darts can fly over 30 feet, and the Wii mode is fantastic. You're probably asking yourself "if it's so great why did I have to mess with it?" Don't you know me at all?

Just because it ain't broken is no reason not to fix it, or something like that. Actually I was over at my brother's for thanksgiving earlier, and being the dutiful uncle that I am, I took it upon myself to entertain my nephew while everyone else was fawning over his baby sister. He's got a Star Wars themed foam dart gun which frankly sucks. Sure it looks great, but it's only got a fifteen foot range, twenty with a good tailwind. Not that that kept him from getting his only dart stuck up on the roof.

So, after an excellent meal, I come home and get to thinking about this poor deprived child with his lame-ass blaster and decide that he needs something better. Something like my Nerf gun but then I think, if this is good enough for a four year old(yes, I'm the bad uncle, not to be mistaken for the creepy uncle) then I need something much better for myself. The only solution; break out the powertools. Proper application of powertools is actually the solution to most of the worlds problems.

Again, no photos cause I'm lazy, but I popped open the firing mechanism. It's a simple, spring loaded, air chamber about 3/4 of an inch wide, but it only has an opening of 1/8 of an inch for the air to flow through to the dart. This is far from big enough, so I drilled it out to 1/4 inch, with some good results, but not good enough for me. I look at the barrel side and, after removing the guide post for the dart, I see that there's another 1/8th inch hole on this side and some sort of valve in between. I drill this side out to 7/32nds of an inch and tape up a couple of holes in the barrel. And, bam, I've got a weapon of Nerf destruction.

This thing actually scares me a little bit now, and I know I can make it even more powerful with a few more modifications. Those would require exterior changes though, and I quite like the stock design. The only things I would change are the grip, which is usable, but too short for my ham hands, and the front ammo/accessory holder, which, IMO, is just useless weight.

Now I couldn't go through all this trouble and not test it out by shooting a few cans, could I? And, I can't shoot cans without making a video, can I. So, as a little present to you for reading this whole article about a toy gun. I give you video. Sorry about the stupid accent; something about drinking and playing with guns (even Nerf guns) brings out my inner redneck.

βeta, out.

Yelling at your boss for fun and profit.

Well, I don't know about the profit, but it sure as hell was fun. Maybe if I yell at her some more she'll give me a raise. I was sick yesterday(between my darling Jessica, and Tammy's little plague monkeys, it was inevitable.), but I stayed at work because we needed to get the newsletter done on time(it won't be BTW). So, there I was, five minutes til closing time and all I can think about is home and a bottle of Nyquil. When big boss lady decides to come and chew me out for moving my desk without permission. I wasn't having any of that shit so I ask her straight out if she's gonna fire me for it.

For those who haven't been paying attention, about four months ago(technically it was like ten months ago, they just took their sweet ass time starting), she hired a couple of idiots to help out. Well, they didn't. They only made things worse for the rest of us because we had to pick up their slack on top of doing our regular duties. One was so incompetent that she took months to learn how to fill out a simple notice, and she still fucks them up half the time. I only had to deal with her when she needed tech support(about 20 times a day) so she wasn't so bad. But, her husband, he's another story entirely.

This guy's a real asshole, hasn't done a damned thing since he started, he's threatened or harassed practically everyone on staff(especially his wife). I tried to get along with him, and basically just put up with him for three months until his probationary period ended and he should have been fired. Three long months stuck in that cave of an office with a bastard who couldn't do anything but piss people off, before I finally had enough. I went in 90 minutes early one day, and moved all my stuff out. So, by the time he showed up I was all settled in with Tammy.

Jump forward a couple weeks and boss lady is getting all pissy cause I'm not treating her like she thinks a boss lady needs to be treated. She wants me to treat her like a boss, then she needs to start acting like one. So, I tell her that this isn't about me moving my desk, this is about her ignoring the real problem (like she always does) and hoping it goes away. She wants to create a happy workplace, she needs to fire them, or she needs to fire me.

Then she gives me some B.S. about how she tried to solve the problem with a stupid schedule. I was told it was for golfcart sharing(which he didn't follow, forcing me to use my bike every day(I should thank him for that)), now she's trying to say it was for office sharing. Apparently I'm supposed to spend every other day out doing inspections, yes, the entire day. How the hell am I supposed to get any real work done if I'm not even allowed in my own office?

And if that wasn't bad enough, she asks me how many lots I normally inspect in a day(45), then she has the gall to insult me by claiming that there's no way I can do that in just a morning. It takes me like no time at all, if I don't fuck around:) The paperwork is what really takes up most of my time. This isn't the first time she's given me shit about my weight either, it's been mostly subtle before but, now it's starting to piss me off.

I was furious at this point, I really wanted to slap her. I try not to be a violent man, I really do, but some people just deserve a good smack upside the head from time to time. I don't remember much after this, just me standing there shouting at her while Tammy and our manager stare on with that dear in the headlights look on their faces. I basically dared her to fire me, and all she did was give me the next day off, the day before a four-day weekend.

So, yeah. Go yell at your boss, maybe you'll get a vacation out of it.

βeta, out.

A brief Greek lesson for Tammy

You asked what βeta meant, but work intruded before I could answer. Basically, it's the second letter of the Greek alphabet, which has been in use around three millenia now. Hell, it's where we get the word "alphabet" from; Alpha & Beta are the first two of 24 letters.

The letters have many uses, such as describing different brain states, to indicate parameters in math, or just as an alternate way to count. If you want to know more, read the Wikipedia article.

My personal use of βeta references the nickname(Pentathalos being another)given to Eratosthenes by his contemporaries. The man seemed to excel at whatever he tried but, would rarely take the gold.

Coming in second all the time in a wide number of disciplines is no mean feat, and an example I wish to emulate(winning is over rated). So, that's it. Hope I solved the mystery for you.

βeta, out.

You're like my own personal brand of heroin.

That's it, that's all I've got to say, except what the fuck is wrong with that guy's face? Why pick the ugliest man ever to play the prettiest man ever? Fuck, I'm tired.

Deja Vu

No, I didn't pickup another thumb tack. This time I tore the side wall and had to replace my back tire. As annoying as that was, it's not why I'm here now. I talking about the real thing, that feeling of having lived the exact same moment before. I really hate that feeling, and I got it not once, but twice today.

First when I was buying the replacement tire for my bike(17 bucks I could have put to better use), it's weird because I know I've never bought this type of tire before. Slick in the center with treads on the side for traction in turns. Not my first choice, but it's all they had, and it's not that bad considering I do most of my riding on the street.

Deja Vu hit me as soon as I saw the tire and again when I was putting it on. I count this as one experience since it was about one item. The second time was much more intense, and involved bungee cords. I picked up a twelve pack at wallgreens cause it had two of the smaller ones I needed. A bit wasteful but, you never know when you're going to need some bungee cords, and it's not like they go bad. Though, now that I think about it. I suppose the elastic will eventually dry out, but I've got cords that are years old with no sign of weakening. I doubt these wally-world rejects are going to hold up as well as those, but who gives a shit? Why am I even talking about this, they're just fucking bungee cords. I think I'm starting to take this frugality kick a little too seriously. That, or I'm just really freaking tired, and freakin' love the word bungee. Bungee bungee bungee.

So, I'm just pulling these cords out of the package, and bam, Deja Vu, strong Deja Vu. Weird, but it only lasted a minute before fading. I get a few cases of this a year, and it never fails to freak me out. Especially since I saw The Matrix. Am I just living in a simulation? Did I tap into an alternate dimension? Do I have a brain tumor? Have I lived this life before?

Oh, ugh, re-incarnation; I hate re-incarnation. If you think about it logically there's only one soul. All life that is, was, or ever will be, are just different aspects of this one soul on it's journey to nirvana. How depressing. Thank God I'm an Atheist.

Just keep telling yourself that you've never read this before. βeta, out.

I cheat.

These are some forum posts I did earlier that I feel like sharing. Today was interesting.

"It's barely noon and my day is already down the tubes.

Started out about two hours before I had planned to wake up with me breaking part of a bad tooth off in my sleep. I clench my teeth sometimes and I guess they slipped. So, I'm up two hours early after going to sleep two hours late. The pain dies down fairly fast but it's too late for me to get back to sleep, not that I didn't try. Eventually the alarm goes off and I stumble out of bed. I'm able to get dressed and make coffee without incident. But, before I'm even out the door, I get a damned thumb tack stuck in my front wheel.

Not wanting to be late, I decide to just walk the bike to work(less than a 1/4 mile). I use it for work so, they don't mind if I have to do a little maintenance every now and then. I use a glueless patch to try and save time, and I might have, if the damned thing had actually held. Oh, it was fine at first so I put the tire back on, knocking over my coffee in the process, of course. After a test ride everything looks good so I park it outside my office and get some paperwork done.

An hour, or so later, I have to go to the other side of the property, the patch still seems to be holding. I take about half an hour over there, mainly waiting on a slow computer. But, while I'm waiting I get bored and hop on the bike for a quick spin. I think this must have been to much for the cheap patch, cause ten minutes later when I get on to ride back to my office, the tire's flat.

Another walk to the workshop, another patch(the good kind this time), and now I'm sitting here, writing this, as I wonder what's going to happen next.

Anyone else have any good Monday stories? I'd love to hear that I'm not alone in my suffering.

P.S. I know I need to see a dentist and I will as soon as my insurance is renewed, I've already used up my allowance for this year.

P.P.S. This morning could have been worse, there was an earthquake around 4:30 am that I thankfully slept through.

Update: ARRRGH!

I don't mean to sound negative, I'm actually laughing about this right now.

So, yeah, after two months of riding with no flats I get two in one day. Yup, after finally getting that first one squared away. I go to ride a graffiti check of the property, two, three miles tops. Not only do I pick up a thorn requiring another patch but, my pants cuff gets caught on my frame pump and tears it right off. Ripped right through the velcro safety strap like it wasn't even there. Thankfully the pump and it's mount survived, I just need to replace the strap; I'm thinking zip ties.

At least I'm home now, and hopefully nothing else can happen to my bike. Thanks to everyone for listening to me rant, I'd still like to hear your Monday horror stories."

Fun huh?

In other news: I've decided to hand wash my clothes from now on. I saw this site http://homelessdave.com/hdwashingman.htm and think his setup would be perfect for me. Especially since dad is blaming me for breaking his washer. I did two loads of laundry every other week, there's no way I broke it.


more animals

I've only got enough room for a stackable washer & dryer, and they cost a fortune to replace. So, this idea is perfect for me. I can probably fabricate a hand washer for next to nothing(and there's always the bucket method), and I'd like to think I have enough technical knowhow to hook a bike up to my old washing machine. Whether this is true or not, we shall see. I'll keep you posted.

βeta, out.

Crafty

I'm bored, and wish to post something, but all my creativity has been sucked up by the NaNoWriMo book I'm writing. So, I will instead share this thing I built Friday. I am very proud of my little clipboard holder. It is very pretty; I even put my flag on it to make it prettier.

(Do you even have your own flag?)

I didn't take any pictures of the basic build, it was just so simple I didn't see the need for a photographic record. So, you get to see it after it's all put together.

(A picture's worth a thousand words)

This is about the time I remembered I had a camera with me and thought it might be a good idea to take a few snapshots. As you can see, it's a very simple build. Hell it's just a skinny box.

I took a bit of paneling and an old 1x2 that had been gathering dust in the workshop, I used a jigsaw to cut the paneling into two pieces as tall as my clipboard and a couple inches wider. Using the same jigsaw, I cut three pieces of 1x2 for the sides and bottom of the box, then screwed everything together.

(Come closer my dear)

A quick test fit showed me the clipboard went in fine, but was a pain to get out. So, I used a paint can to mark out the groove. Jigsawed both sides out, then took some sandpaper to the whole thing.

(This was the only tricky part)

Took me a good half hour to find something suitable to hold it in place. Trying to find anything in that workshop is a royal pain, and always takes forever. These hooks aren't perfect, but after all that searching, I just wanted to get the thing finished.

(Ah, paint fumes)

Here it is again after a couple of quick coats of spray paint. I love the color, if you look at the other picture you can see it darkened up just a bit after drying.

(That bungy was to keep it from flapping around)

That bungy was a piece of shit. Stupid thing tore completely apart the first time my heel clipped the box. I'm luck it didn't get caught in the spokes. If you look back at the first picture you'll see that I'm now using a much thicker cord. This new one keeps the clipboard from bouncing around too.

I want to paint my flag on there, but I'm lazy, and painting those curves are a real pain in the ass.

Bonus pictures below.

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(Is that cool or what?)

I found this when I was looking for hooks, it's a glas vial holding 50cc. of dextrose solution. Dating back to whenever the hell they still used glass vials for dextrose solution. Probably sometime in the sixties.

(Came all the way from Philly)

I was so tempted to pop this thing open and chug the contents. As it is, I still want to go back and take it. It's just so damned cool looking.

βeta, out.

FUCK!!!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccck!

Jesus God-damned motherfucking tap dancing Christ, that shit-headed salad-tossing shiester son of a sick spunk sucking swill-slathered sleazy slag of a slut still hasn't been fired. We're stuck with this tool tossing taint tasting testicle touching tea-bagging tactless twit of a tit-faced tampon-loving twat for two more weeks.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Tammy, hope you don't mind sharing your office cause I'm moving in with you.

Merde, that was a lot of profanity. βeta, out.

Work: The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly.

Yes, another work post... Quit bitching, it's my blog and I'll write about what I want. You can blame Tammy for this one, she practically begged me to make fun of her. She's just about the only good part left at work, and I don't think I'll last very long after she leaves. Not that I'd planned to anyways.

She was attacked today, a foul beast got it's teeth into her and would not let go. She struggled bravely in silence for a good five minutes before finally admitting defeat and calling for help. Our manager, unable to assist her called for reinforcements, namely me. It was not a moment too soon, for by the time I arrived Tammy had tears in her eyes, and must surely have been contemplating the inevitable emergency room visit, should I fail to extricate her.

Try as I might I could find no way to release her from it's insidious grasp, my efforts only making the fiend bite harder into her flesh. I had come to the conclusion that I would have to either destroy the dastardly brute, or amputate her hand in order to free her.

Then, just as I had picked up the scoundrel in order to get a better look at it's soft underside. It's grip loosened, and Tammy was able to extricate herself. Though not without a nasty mark, which she will likely carry for the rest of her years. A hellish sigil branded onto the back of her hand, a reminder that the creature has a taste for her flesh & will be back for more.

(okay, I may have been exaggerating slightly, but she really did have tears in her eyes when I got there.)

(and after she was freed. It really was a very harrowing experience for all of us.)

I should stop here at the good, but I already picked the title, and can't change it now:P So, onto the bad. There is far too much for me to list it all here -I'd be up all night- but I can give you a couple of the sticking points.

First, is being stuck in that damned office all by myself. I feel like I'm being punished for something. I never handled being grounded well, and that is exactly what this feels like. I don't care that I've got a fast computer, or high speed internet connection. I've still got nothing to look at but a freaking block wall and a bunch of idiots who walk past(that's part of the ugly and I'll get it in a minute).

Secondly, is our fucking boss coming down every god damned week to check up on us. We're not children, quit treating us like we are. I remember when she'd go months between visits. It's not only that, but she seems to be losing it. She can't remember conversations that happened only days before, and keeps issuing conflicting orders. We went through this with our old manager, and I thought that was tough. You try telling your boss that she's looney toons.

(I tawt I taw a.... Durrr...)

Okay, on to the ugly. Working property management is likely to make you a few enemies. Well, one of mine is a child molesting piece of scum. This fucking maggot has slandered and even libeled me on numerous occasions. And get this, he was stupid enough to try and blackmail me with the threat of some non-existent pictures.

I know I'm a public figure around here, and carry myself as if I'm being watched all the time, because I probably am. My record is beyond reproach, and everyone knows it. But, he runs bingo and is friends with most of the people around here. So they all probably think I'm a bigger pervert than he actually is.

What really pisses me off though, is that that fucking child rapist wasn't even forced to move away from the two schools less than a block from his house. I guess if you only diddle your own children, the State doesn't think you're a danger to any others. They've clearly never seen the way he stares at the kids in the pool, or how he drives up and down the street when school is letting out.

I can not tell you how many times I've wanted to print up a thousand copies of his Megan's law profile and just plaster it all over the community. I can't do that though, cause that would be harassment. I just love that part too, I can't harass the asshole who's been harassing me, or I'll be the one to get in trouble. So, I leave it up to my boss, and what does she do? She ignores it like just like she's ignored every other fucking problem she's ever been faced with.

Problems like an old security guard threatening my life. Her response? To tell me to suck it up and not to worry cause I'm bigger than him, and could take him in a fight. Who cares if I could take him in a fight? The fucker walked around with a gun on his hip. No disciplinary action, no nothing; that company ended up dropping us as a client. She should have fired their asses and sued the fuckers for breach of contract. Assholes caused more problems than they solved anyways.

All she's done this time is to pass it on to her ineffectual, lazy ass lawyer. This guy has taken care of maybe one thing in the past year, and there's at least a dozen files awaiting his action. Most of which could be solved with a letter written by his assistant. He says there's nothing he can do, even though this scum bag is in violation of at least three of our community rules. One of which states that any violation is grounds for immediate revocation of his lease agreement.

So, I told my boss that she has until the end of the year to get rid of the scum before I take matters into my own hands and sue him for libel & harassment. What I didn't tell her, is that I'm also going to sue her for providing an unsafe work environment.

Alright, I'm almost done. I just want to leave you with one last insight into how ugly this world truly is. This walking pile of diseased baboon excrement has somehow convinced his church to cover his fucking rent. Yeah, that's right people; a church out there is actually paying for a pedophile to live less than 500 feet from an elementary school. Doesn't that just renew your faith in humanity?

βeta, out.

P.S. Sorry about the rant, I had intended this post to help calm me down after a bad afternoon of work, but it kinda got away from me.

P.P.S. I want ramen. I just finished a bowl of roasted garlic chicken soup with penne and veggies. It was very good for a chicken soup, but it had nothing on those delicious little brick noodles. I don't know why, but I've been craving salty foods lately & ramen hits that sweet spot like nothing else.

P.P.P.S. I spent a good ten minutes looking for that picture of tweety.

I'm writing a novel.

November is National Novel Writing Month, and I have finally worked up the nerve to try my hand at it. It's somewhat more difficult than I would like, I can already feel that 50,000 word count looming over my head. I am writing though, and that's the important part.

These blog posts come easy to me, but I've always wanted to write fiction. So, that's what I'm doing. Line by line, word by word. I know the point of NaNoWriMo is to just write, but I'm a perfectionist, and very self-conscious about my writing. Well, my fiction at least. This is just stream of consciousness stuff, and as long as there aren't too many typos. I couldn't care less.

I've got to thank Jessica for the inspiration for my book, even though she denies giving me the idea. She said I should write about working with freaks, since I have so much experience at it. So, that's what I did, except I made the whole world full of freaks. Basically a science experiment gone wrong caused all the dimensions to bleed together. Now the world is full of all the strange and wonderful creatures we used to think were just myths. They're regular guys like the rest of us though, you've just gotta watch out when they don't get their morning coffee.

The novel follows(or will follow) our protagonist (whose parents are somewhat responsible for the bleed) through his first day at work for the company that picked up the pieces after the accident. That's what I've got so far at least.

Any comment, ideas, large cash advances, or movie deals are welcome.